Lips moving

Your lips move more than an unnamed whitehouse source

Your lips move more than my 4 year old daughter

Your lips are moving like it’s 5pm on the 31st of the month

If your lips moved any more they’d be migrating

Soo Tired

I’m soo tired I look at a stoner and think, “what a go getter”.

Soo cold…

It was soo cold out today that an Eskimo told me to put on a coat.

It was soo cold out today that Al Gore admitted he was wrong.

It was soo cold out today that my coat needed a coat

It was soo cold out today that my furnace asked for a raise

Gum in Hare

For rabbit puppet

Puppet:  Can I have some gum?

Vent: No

P: Why not, you worried you’ll have gum stuck in your hare!

Washing a puppet

For soft puppet

Vent:  You are very dirty, why don’t you hop into the washer and dryer?

Puppet: I can’t

V: Why not?

P: Shrinkage

plane crash

An airplane crashed in buffalo NY because of too much ice buildup on the wings.  I thought we already won the fight against Mother Nature, you know the whole global warming deal…I”m pretty sure Al Gore declared us the winner.

Fancy Underwear

When the economy is down and times are tough, the sales of fancy underwear goes down….and so do men’s erections.

Rewrite #1

When the economy isn’t doing well and times are tough, the sales of fancy underwear goes down….and so do men’s erections.

Rewrite #2

When the economy isn’t doing well , the sales of fancy women’s underwear goes down….and so do men’s erections.

margarita

Jesus said I am the salt of the earth and Jose Cuervo said I am the salt of your Margarita

Plate spinning

When about to place a plate on the person’s finger tip:

“Hold up your right hand and extend your finger like someone just cut you off…”

when they stick up the middle finger, or start to:

“No, like you’re going shame on you…”

2012

The Mayan Calendar predicts the end of the world on 2012 or as I like to call it Y2KXII.